Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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