Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
