I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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