i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I showed him my bush... on skype.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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