At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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