I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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