How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
