Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
