how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
