I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
