First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
