I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I need water and some morals
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
