i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
