the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
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she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
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when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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