I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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