it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
