I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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