i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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