Need sex. Gaining weight.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
