Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
