Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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