i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
