I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
