Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Vodka?
Forever.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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