I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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