it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
