Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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