i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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