I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
