my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
