Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
