I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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