I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
