Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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