new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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