When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
