she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
