my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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