Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
