Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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