I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
