let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We left the knife in your bed.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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