Only a mothe r could love this liver
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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