I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
