You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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