sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
