If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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