Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
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Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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