Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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