Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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