I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
