Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
