Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
