Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
