My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
