Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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