Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
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while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
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Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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